As a parent, you undoubtedly want your child to feel loved, safe, and validated. One of the best ways to do this is to validate their emotions. Validating a child’s emotions means acknowledging and accepting their feelings, regardless of whether you agree with them or not. It helps children feel seen and heard, which can lead to increased confidence, self-esteem, and a stronger sense of self. In this article, we’ll explore why validating a child’s emotions is so important, and provide you with some practical tips on how to do it.
Why Validate a Child’s Emotions?
Validating a child’s emotions helps them feel seen and heard. When we validate a child’s emotions, we are essentially saying, “I hear you, and your feelings matter.” This can be incredibly validating and empowering for children, especially in situations where they may feel misunderstood or ignored.
Validation can also help build trust between a child and parent. When a child feels validated, they are more likely to turn to their parents for help and support in the future. It can also help them develop stronger emotional intelligence skills, as they learn to recognize, understand, and express their emotions in a healthy way.
According to Dr. Laura Markham, author of “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids,” “Validating your child’s feelings is the magic ingredient that helps her feel heard and understood, which in turn makes her more cooperative.” Dr. Markham also notes that when we fail to validate our children’s emotions, it can lead to “tantrums, tears, and frustration.”
Regulate Your Own Emotions
Before validating your child’s emotions, it is important to take a moment to regulate your own emotions. This means taking a few deep breaths, calming yourself down, and setting aside any judgments or biases you may have. When you are able to regulate your own emotions, you are better equipped to respond to your child’s emotions in a calm and supportive way, rather than reacting with frustration or anger. As Dr. Markham notes, “When we’re calm, we’re able to offer empathy and support that can calm our child, but when we’re upset, we’re much more likely to escalate the situation.” By taking a moment to regulate your own emotions before validating your child’s emotions, you can create a safe and supportive environment that allows your child to express themselves freely and openly.
How to Validate a Child’s Emotions
So, how can you validate your child’s emotions? Here are a few practical tips:
Listen actively: When your child is expressing their emotions, try to give them your full attention. Put down your phone or other distractions, and make eye contact with them. Show them that you are fully present and engaged in the conversation.
Reflect back what you hear: Use phrases like “It sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated right now” or “I can see that you’re upset about what happened.” This shows your child that you are listening and that their feelings are important to you.
Avoid minimizing or dismissing their feelings: Instead of saying things like “Don’t be silly, there’s nothing to be upset about,” try saying something like “I understand why you’re feeling that way, and it’s okay to feel that way.”
Use empathy: Try to put yourself in your child’s shoes and imagine how they might be feeling. This can help you better understand their perspective and respond in a way that is more validating.
Be patient: Validating a child’s emotions takes time and practice. It’s important to be patient and consistent in your efforts to validate your child’s emotions.
According to Dr. John Gottman, author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, “Validating means letting your child know that their feelings make sense and are understandable to you. It doesn’t mean you agree with them or that you’re giving in to their demands.”
Examples of Validation
Let’s look at a few examples of how validation can work in real-life situations:
Scenario 1:
Your child is upset because they lost their favorite toy.
Validation response:
“I can see that you’re really upset about losing your toy. That’s really hard. Let’s see if we can find it together.”
Non-validation response:
“It’s just a toy, you’ll find another one.”
Scenario 2:
Your child is frustrated because they can’t get their shoes on.
Validation response:
“I can see that you’re feeling frustrated. Putting on shoes can be tricky sometimes. Do you want me to help you?”
Non-validation response:
“You’re just being lazy.
Scenario 3:
Your child is scared to go to the doctor.
Validation response:
“It’s okay to feel scared. Going to the doctor can be scary for some people. I’ll be there with you the whole time to help you feel safe.”
Non-validation response:
“Don’t be a baby, it’s just a check-up. You’ll be fine.”
Scenario 4:
Your child is angry because their sibling took their toy.
Validation response:
“I can see that you’re feeling really angry right now. It’s not fair that your sibling took your toy without asking. Let’s talk about some ways we can make sure this doesn’t happen again.”
Non-validation response:
“Stop overreacting, it’s just a toy. Share with your sibling.”
Scenario 5: Your child is sad because their best friend moved away. Validation response: “It’s really hard to say goodbye to a friend. It’s okay to feel sad and miss them. Let’s talk about some ways we can stay in touch with them and make new friends too.” Non-validation response: “You’ll make new friends. Stop being so dramatic.”
In each of these scenarios, the validation response acknowledges and accepts the child’s feelings, while the non-validation response dismisses or minimizes their feelings.
Non Verbal Validation
In addition to verbal validation, non-verbal validation can also be a powerful tool to help your child feel seen and heard. Non-verbal validation includes things like physical touch, facial expressions, and body language. For example, giving your child a hug, pat on the back, or holding their hand can show them that you care and are there to support them. Similarly, making eye contact, nodding your head, and using a calm tone of voice can also convey validation and understanding. Non-verbal validation can be especially helpful for younger children who may not yet have the vocabulary to express their emotions fully. By paying attention to your child’s non-verbal cues and responding with validation, you can create a strong bond of trust and support with your child.
Validating a child’s emotions is a powerful way to help them feel seen and heard, build trust, and develop strong emotional intelligence skills. By actively listening, reflecting back what you hear, avoiding minimization or dismissal, using empathy, and being patient, you can validate your child’s emotions in a way that is supportive and loving.
As Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson note in their book “The Whole-Brain Child,” “When we teach our children to be aware of their emotions, to name them and validate them, we help them build a foundation for healthy emotional regulation and self-awareness.” By validating your child’s emotions, you can help them develop these skills, and set them up for success in all areas of their lives.
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